Dipshit heard telling others, “If having your cell phone on could make us crash they wouldn’t even let you bring them on the plane.”
OMAHA, NEBRASKA (Neuters) – Described by fellow passengers as “that asshole,” Omaha native David Putney caused the crash of SW Airlines Flight 298 shortly after takeoff from Eppley Airfield by deliberately not turning off his cell phone as politely instructed by flight attendants. Letting all those around him know that his business was far more important than the safety of the other 136 souls on board, he was heard telling an associate over his phone that, “it makes me laugh how stupid everyone is to think a cell phone could cause a plane crash. No, let’s finish this conversation, it won’t matter.” Moments later during its climb-out the plane experienced complete engine failure on both sides and only through the heroic efforts of Flight Captain William “Billy” Billenberger was complete disaster averted. Billenberger managed to set the plane on its belly just outside of the Omaha suburb Belleview where it slid to a stop and narrowly averted gas pumps at a local convenience store.
All passengers on board escaped injury from the crash, although Putney was treated at a local hospital for wounds he suffered in the aftermath as outraged passengers beat the living bejesus out of him.
“That stupid turd,” exclaimed Scott Graham, a passenger in seat 15C directly behind Putney. “He’s such a stinking pile to have chanced such a thing. The link between cell phones and airplane failure is as well established as power lines and brain cancer. I hope he steps in dog poo on his way to work tomorrow.”
Similar sentiments were expressed by flight attendant Miranda Gilbert, who was sitting in the jumpseat and planning the in-flight beverage service at the time of the mishap. “As soon as this human fecal matter walked onto the airplane I knew something was wrong. He couldn’t resist making a joke about how he ‘was seated in first class and would I please bring him a dry martini.’ Har, har – if I only had a dime. Everyone knows we don’t have a first class section.” She balled her fists and continued, “He seemed just the type to cause this sort of accident. I hope his wounds get infected.”
The National Transportation Safety Board concluded its investigation into the cause of the crash in under 39 minutes after discussions with those on board – a record for speed in closing this type of case. Lead investigator Drayggo Flores indicated that there was no need to even check the flight data recorders from the plane. “When we arrived at the scene the butt-head Putney still had his phone on and by the small amount of battery time left we could easily calculate that it was on during the critical take-off phase of the flight. That’s all we needed to make a definitive determination. Mr Putney is indeed a dipshit and deserved all the flogging he got.”
Convenience store owners Ray and Ethyl Chevron offered free Big Gulps and beef jerky to the passengers during rescue operations, except for Putney. He was only offered a small bag of pork rinds and water from their mop bucket. “More than that shit-for-brains deserves, if you ask me,” exclaimed Ethyl. “Besides, them pork rinds been on the shelf since two Februarys ago and I don’t think they’re ever gonna sell.”