"I can hardly believe the view out my window."








"Cuddles is my only fwiend."










"I really need to use something higher than 15 SPF."









"I am the best president, EVER."









"Stop staring at my zit."









"Sometimes I feel only 4 feet tall."



"I love my new Russian ear protectors with the adjustable chin strap."










"I cannot wait for the separation surgery."









"You want a piece of this?"
























"Call me Vlad."










"Well look. Mary Jo sent me a valentine."









"Ignition interlocks are such a pain."









"Demons be GONE!"












"Oops. I think I left the teakettle on."









"I TOLD you to stop staring at my zit!"













"...and then the duck says to the bartender, 'got any gwapes?'"










"I am the Schwarzenegger of fishing."



"What do you think? These or the Elton John ones?"









"These. Definitely."









"Now, don't take your eye off my hand. This is gonna be great."








"I'm almost twice as tall as this church, and yet it makes me sad."










"Now let's take a question from someone in our studio audience."










"Watch this! My George Bush impression is killer!"
















"Auint Bea says I gotta get a haircut or I don't get no pie."






"I once caught a fish this big with my bare hands and my shirt off."








"But there is one more thing. Today, I'd like to introduce you to....... the iPhone."










"Anyone wanna hit the slopes?"








"It's too bad the podium is in the way, because I'm posing like Angelina Jolie at the Oscars."








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