Young’s testimony pulls the rug out from under presidential candidate.

 

 

GREENSBORO, NORTH CAROLINA (Neuters)  The trial of ex-Senator John Edwards has had no dearth of scandal and shock so far: his extra-marital affair on a terminally ill spouse, illegal campaign contributions funneled to an aide to cover up the affair, a baby out-of-wedlock, the mistress and her baby moving in with the aide and his family, and the lot of them moving around the country to escape detection – almost everything but a sex tape.  Oh, and there’s a sex tape too!  But the biggest, most outrageous surprise was still yet to come, and it was revealed today by Andrew Young, the ex-aide who has accused Edwards of the bulk of his wrongdoings.

Young endured intense cross-examination from Edward’s defense attorneys, and was accused of being everything from a charlatan to a gold-digger to a liar.  With this last accusation Young had apparently had enough and fought back, yelling at the attorney, “You think I’m a liar?  Me?  Well John Edwards is the liar here and I can prove it!  I can show this court just how deceptive he is, right here, right now.”  The confused lawyer asked the bench for a moment to confer with his colleagues, apparently not expecting this turn of events.  After a brief consultation, the defense table refused to hear anymore of Mr. Young’s statement.  However the prosecution objected on the grounds that the defense had opened the subject themselves, and after sustaining the objection the judge motioned to Young to proceed.  Edwards had a clearly worried look on his face.

“You poor people have no idea what this man is like,” Young continued.  “He doesn’t have an honest bone in his body.  Everyone thinks he’s the smart, good-looking ex-senator who would have made the prettiest president we’ve ever had, right?  Well all that is a sham!  John Edwards is not pretty!  John Edwards wears a toupee!

John Edwards' shocking secret.

The courtroom erupted with the shocked cries of all present, except for Edwards who placed his hands over his face and shook his head vigorously.  The outburst took numerous hits of the judge’s gavel to quiet.  Several women in the room wept.

Mr. Young continued, “Now you all may still think I’m lying, just saying his hair is fake to cause a scene.  But if you don’t believe me why don’t you have him stand in front of the bench and give that dead animal on his head a good tug.”

The judge directed Edwards to approach the bench, appearing as if he would do just that.  As Edwards got closer and the judge’s hand reached towards his head, the pressure apparently became too much to endure.  Edwards collapsed to the floor, sobbing and mumbling “it’s real to me, it’s real to me,” over and over.  He had to be physically carried from the courtroom.  The judge declared a two-day recess, requesting of Edwards’ lawyers that they be prepared to reveal Edwards bald pate when the trial resumes.

 

Tomorrow: How Hair Club for Men could have saved Edwards’ career.

 

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