Ancient calendar spells doom for entire world – or simply some minor discomfort.




MEXICO CITY, MEXICO (Neuters) – In an effort to relieve the world of fears that the Mayan calendar predicts the end of the world in December of this year, Mexico’s archeology institute announced today the discovery of a second rock fragment with more complete – and less dire – predictions about the fate of the earth in 2012.

The new tablet represents the same form of the Mayan “Long Count” calendar and appears to have been carved by the same artisan immediately after the original stone that has caused so much panic.  It was created more than 1,300 years ago and on the reverse side of the new fragment is an explanation engraved by the artist indicating that this more recent work was meant to replace the first. “Because the ancient text is written in Mayan hieroglyphics,” explains archaeologist Arturo Mendez, “an exact translation into latin languages is impossible.  But we have studied the work enough to have a good idea what was on the artist’s mind.”

“Apologies for the last calendar – and especially despondent that it still got placed into the pyramid.  I told the master how hot I was under this sun, you want I should make a mistake with these hieroglyphics?  (earth) is not going to end, but it may experience unpleasantness, perhaps some indigestion.  You should try some seltzer or perhaps chew on a fennel leaf.”

In other words, it was all a typo.

The inscription goes on to bemoan the slow, painstaking work required to carve stone inscriptions and seems to predict the birth of Johannes Gutenberg.

“Oy vey I should want that some smart German fellow should one day give us little metal glyphs so we could do this all on paper.  Imagine what we could accomplish with movable type and indoor offices with some air conditioning.”

Not satisfied to have their belief in world destruction proven incorrect, conspiracy theorists immediately pounced on the ambiguous meaning of the word ‘unpleasantness.’  Said Percy Lipshitz, webmaster of The Unhinged Mind, a website devoted to the idea that The Ryme of the Ancient Mariner was not written by Samuel Taylor Coleridge but rather Ace Frehley, “Clearly there are some nasty goings-on that will go down this year, and the fact that this Mayan dude knew enough to change his prediction and make it more specific means he really knows, man.  It’s just like the pyramid level in Pool of Radiance where the dungeon-master releases the flock of skeletal crows on the unsuspecting villagers.  That was, like, so cool.”

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