Attacks on pig residents unabated, even as International Red Cross moves in. Secretary of State Clinton calls for a halt to violence.
HAMS, SYRIA (Neuters) – After nearly two years of intense assaults by avian allies of President Bashar al-Batross, the international community is finally looking to take steps to save the brutalized pig population of Syria. In Tunisia a meeting of dozens of countries is being held to discuss further sanctions against the al-Batross leadership and possible military intervention. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton pulled no punches in declaring that “It is time for that regime to move on, to migrate to new territory. These poor and down-trodden pigs have been plagued enough by this vicious flock.”
The International Red Cross has been able to move into the city of Hams, but has been frustrated in their evacuation efforts by the continual bombardment of several bird species on the town. The barrages are non-stop and seem designed to level every structure the unfortunate pigs can concoct to protect themselves. “It seems to be just a game to them,” one local hog lamented. “We have tried to protect ourselves with wood, stone and hard hats, but our buildings seem to be no match for their many tactics. With each new barrage they seem to have more and different weapons. We believe that the birds have even assigned points to each of us if we are killed. It is humiliating.”
The beleaguered swine population has taken to hiding out in caves in the hills surrounding Hams, but even this has not kept the attacks at bay. Most of the surviving cave residents show the scars of war, including dented helmets, missing legs and purple, swollen eyes. Many are unable to support their own weight and merely roll to one side once the explosions begin.
Tensions were originally raised in 2010 when al-Batross became angry over allegedly stolen eggs, those eggs now long since destroyed in the carnage. “We merely wanted to eat,” said one resident of Hams. “The eggs were not fertilized and seemed a natural source of nourishment. It’s not like they were made of gold – they were just eggs.”
It is not known why the international community has taken so long to notice the pigs’ plight and solidify into a universal denouncement of the al-Batross regime. The Friends of Syria conference in Tunisia seems to be a sign that the world is finally taking the issue seriously. Said one conference delegate, “We are confident that this solidarity of nations can bring the dictator down. We have discussed many ways to apply pressure on him, including the cutting off his source of funds by refusing to buy any of the birds’ merchandising and add-ons, particularly the Mighty Eagle. I personally am stuck at level 17-8 and think I may have had enough of this.”