Says she’s “Finally found her intellectual match.”
WASHINGTON, DC (Neuters) – After a rousing speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference where she deliberately did not endorse a candidate, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today broke with that strategy and put her support behind a fresh-baked piece of toast. The toast, previously unknown in the Republican race, has not yet commented on his new-found frontrunner status. Palin, for her part, treated the endorsement as a logical way to consolidate the fractured party’s nomination process. “While I did say we should wait for a brokered convention just two days ago, I have changed my mind, which is the prerogative of soccer moms everywhere,” Palin explained. “Previously our party had a wealth of big-name candidates none of whom completely embodied the true spirit of the conservative voters in this country. But after meeting this piece of toast as it came out of my toaster this morning, I can say that I am finally comfortable with the potential gains we can make in November.”
The toast, reputed to formerly be a slice of moist, day-old 12-grain, is claimed to bear an easy resemblance to Arizona Senator and previous Republican presidential candidate John McCain. That the face visible in the toast is so clearly recognizable as McCain, Palin was immediately criticized by Democrats for simply backing her former running mate. “That is so not true and such a shallow accusation to make,” Palin defiantly responded. “This toast, while superficially resembling the great Senator McCain, is his own man, and in the coming days as his campaign begins in earnest I think you will find yourselves as energized about a world with him as leader as I am. Just look: almost no crumbs fall off of him. As soon as he popped up I knew he was special – perfectly golden – and I immediately offered him a thick layer of melted butter. To his credit, he refused the contribution saying that he ‘wanted to remain untainted by the condiments of outside interests.’ I nearly swooned.”
The other major Republican candidates immediately distanced themselves from the toast. Said a clearly-distraught Mitt Romney, “While this toast claims to be a Washington outsider, it obviously has no experience in the business world either, and from what I can tell has no knowledge beyond the plastic bag he came in.” Newt Gingrich was just as vehement in his denouncements. “Mr. Toast seems to think that sitting around in close proximity to red-hot filaments until he’s a tasty, golden brown are all the qualifications he needs to be president. Well, that may have worked for Sarah Palin, but this race is for President, not Vice-President. I personally can’t see how he would be able to last until November, particularly without refrigeration.”
Gingrich, however did not completely rule out the toast as a running mate should he receive the presidential nomination.
Rick Santorum felt his best response was to question the toast’s sexual orientation rather than qualifications, implying that the toast has previously been involved in a gay relationship. “Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t know this for sure. But we all know what happens to bread after being locked away with other nearly identical slices, carefully lined up in their loose plastic container. Even bread with the strongest of constitutions is bound to give in to unnatural urges after being in such close contact for so long. Simply being heated to a high temperature, no matter how masterfully done, cannot erase the stink. 12-grain? More like sourdough to me.”
Ron Paul took his typical anti-establishment position by strongly considering the merits of the cooked bread. “Well, to tell the truth, I cannot at this point completely rule him out, despite my own self-interests in not wishing for yet another foe in this race. Let’s all just not panic and let him have his say. Perhaps we’ll be pleasantly surprised. And if not, we can all still feast together.”
Polls taken immediately after the announcement in Arizona – site of the next primary – showed the toast running nearly even with Romney and significantly ahead of Gingrich and Santorum. This may be due to its close connection with McCain and Palin, but results in Michigan and Washington are similar. Money immediately began flowing into the toast’s campaign war-chest and the formation of a Toast SuperPAC has begun. Tired Old Americans Searching for Toast (TOAST) PAC has donated over $3M to the cause along with more than 55,000 jars of various jellies and preserves. Requests for donations of a cinnamon-sugar mix have been met with a relative lack of interest.