TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

 

 

Directed by Michael “shit-for-brains” Bay

CAST

Some robots. A supermodel. Aside from that, who fucking cares?

 

At the start of 2011, I watched Battle:LA and Sucker Punch. The fact that I did not commit suicide after watching them back to back is a testament to my mental fibre. I didn’t think anything could be worse than that shitfest.

Pictured: somehow worse than that shitfest.

Transformers: Dark Of The Moon is without a doubt the worst movie of the year so far, and one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life. Do you know how long it took me to write that last sentence? 25 minutes. All because my hands kept shaking, resulting in typos and whatnot. This movie is so bad it’s affecting my ability to write coherently.

While watching the movie, one of my friends kept turning around to ask “What the fuck is going on? Can someone explain this shit?”. It was a fair question. I have a very faint idea of what was going down. Decepticons are coming to Earth through some bullshit space portal, and the autobots have to blow them all up. There! That’s all the plot this movie contains! Did it really have to torture me for 154 minutes while doing it?

The acting is worse than words can describe. Shia LaBeouf  keeps jumping around and screaming like a demented hamster to the point where I wished someone would shoot him or blow him up, just so he’d be still for a change. And when the first look at the heroine is a 3D shot of her ass, it’s a pretty good indicator of what to expect. Megan Fox can’t act, but by God, she’s Meryl Streep compared to Rosie Huntington-Whitely. The fact that great actors like John Malkovich, Frances McDormand and John Turturro consented to appear in this heaping pile makes me want to cry.

Anyone with an even casual interest in film editing will be awestruck at how magnificently dreadful the film’s cuts are. There are several moments when a scene just abruptly ends, fades to black, and then resumes at what appears to be two minutes later. This wasn’t censorship. This was bullshit editing.

I walked into the theatre confident that this installment would be better than the previous one. Revenge Of The Fallen was so pathetic it would take actual concerted effort to make a sequel that managed to be worse. Bay somehow managed to do just that. His battles are incoherent, blaring noise, devoid of any real sense of loss, injury, or impact. He wants to impress you so much with his CGI-injected world that he renders every character stiff, uninteresting, and completely idiotic.

One star, only because the CGI and 3D shots are vaguely impressive in some places. If you’ve suddenly developed a taste for masochism, watch this movie.

RATING (OUT OF FIVE)

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